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Kim's text feedback for Caitlyn

Page history last edited by kknight 7 years, 9 months ago

Your essay is clearly written on the sentence and paragraph level. However, you need to work a bit on the level of the content. Electronic dance music is far from new. New Wave artists from the 1970s and 1980s incorporated electronic beats and instruments to the point that groups like Erasure toured with a tower of computers and synthesizers, and no instruments. The 1980s had House and Techno music. Then in the 1990s came Trance and Acid House. Electric Daisy is by no means the first electronic music festival and it is over 15 years old. And mainstream pop and hip hop always incorporated elements from these movements. So you are left with the challenge of identifying what is new about this particular type of electronic dance music. I want to push you a bit as well on your example of viral dance crazes. Does one successful dance make a trend? Also, about the changing scene of EDM clubs and shows, there is a long and documented history of sexual and other forms of violence at raves. So again, not really new developments of the scene in general. Again, you are left with the challenge of demonstrating the ways in which this is new. A few nitpicky things:


  • you say “this one from the L.A. Times” but you don't link to any article

  • Do you have permission to use those images from insomniac? If so, what form does that permission take? If not, you should note that you do not own them and are using them under fair use.


Overall the clarity of the writing is fine (though a bit dry) but there are several content-level inconsistencies that you should consider addressing in your revision. I also encourage you to think about whether the wiki is the best format for this piece? I look forward to your revisions.

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